This is part where I tell the Internet that this is the nth blog that I have floating around the interwebs. I’ve had blogs in numerous platforms: Xanga, Livejournal, Friendster, Angelfire, Geocities, Tumblr, Blogspot, etc etc. I could go on and list down a number of excuses as to why I was never able to maintain any of them but it will all boil down to one thing: laziness (and also because a number of these platforms don’t exist anymore…?). I could also say that I was too busy living that I did not have the time to go online that much but I would be lying because I practically spend my days on the Internet.So, I’m just going straight to the point here: This is a new blog. I will basically write anything and everything that I want to write about. This includes: my opinion on things that people probably don’t even care about , my occasional mediocre poems and prose, things that currently preoccupy my time or interesting things that somehow happen to my otherwise mundane life….well, basically things that are too long to be tweeted.
I can’t and won’t promise that this blog will be any different in that I will be able to maintain them but I will try. I am definitely going to make a conscious effort of updating this when I have the time to do so. This is because one thing that I regret is that I was never able to maintain my blog from when I was in college. I talk about it as if college was a long time ago but, really, I just finished college like a week ago. Our commencement ceremony is not even until two weeks from today. Yup, I’m finally graduating! So much has happened in the last five years and I wish I could have immortalized some of those memorable moments in words, but, ah, it’s too late to dwell on things I do not have control over now.
So, there. Basically, I’m a soon-to-be college graduate and I’m at a point of an important transition in my life. As they say, I’m off to see and face the “real world” out there. It’s scary. It’s freaking scary. It’s a lot to take in for an indecisive twenty-one-year-old like me. I know I have not totally been out of college for long, but it already feels as though I am under immense pressure. In three weeks, I have to decide if I am, after all, going to enroll in a medical school. I know they say you should not go into something as arduous as medical school if you are not 100% into it, but still, there are others who would say that the only way to find out if you are really into medicine is to go into it and decide then and there if you like it or not. There’s no shame in quitting, they say. To be honest, though, I’m not quite sure which side I believe in more. I know for sure that I still want to fulfill my childhood dream. It’s not that I don’t want to become a doctor. I do want to become one, but I also want to accomplish a number of other things – things which I have to set aside at least for a while if I decide to pursue medicine. I want to travel and see the world. I want to experience what it’s like to do a postgraduate course abroad. I want to dabble into the fields of child psychology, forensic psychology and what-not. I want to see what it is like to work in a publishing company – only because you know, If I cannot publish my own book, I at least want to be able to see how books get published and help in the process.I want to accomplish all these thigns and more and wanting all of these only confuses me. So, see, it’s not that I don’t know what I want – it’s that I want to do and become a lot of things and I just don’t know which of those I want more.
For the past three, four nights since I found out I got into my medical school of choice (because yes, I still prepared for it.. well, sort of), I have not had enough sleep. It’s probably good training, haha. Kidding aside, though, my mind’s been preoccupied with all the possible scenarios of where I will be five or six months from now. My mind does an incredibly great job of jumping from one decision to another. One minute, I’m all for it – I’m going to medschool, I’m going to be a doctor, I’m going to tell my parents soon enough I want to follow their track – and then the next minute, I would be like – Screw it. I’m just going to do an internship abroad for like a bigshot publishing company, or you know, try to score the impossible scholarship for Stanford or wherever and get a postgraduate degree in Psychology ….. or maybe I could just go back to step one and go to medical school where at least I know I have a slight chance at succeeding…. the cycle goes on. To be honest, it all boils down to the fact that I feel that if I choose one thing, I would miss out on the things I could experience in all the other tracks. It is not that I am not aware of the fact that we always have to give up many things in exchange of the path that we pursue but the problem with me is that I just cannot deal with all these what-ifs in my mind. I cannot just shrug them off easily as others possibly could. They bog me down.
I am reminded of Jack Kerouac’s words from The Subterranean:
“What’s in store for me in the direction that I don’t take?”
It’s a quote which I have found to be relevant about a year ago and I still find it very relevant to my situation now.
So anyway, there you go. That’s the me that you’re going to have to put up with if you decide to read more of my future posts.